A friend once told me to never be held hostage to ultimatums. It’s good advice. They never lead anywhere good.

You’d be surprised, though, at how often they appear in practice.

• Your staff member says, “I need a raise, or I quit.”
• Your associate says, “I need a bigger share, or I’m leaving.”
• Your patient says, “I’m not coming in unless you stay open late.”

None of these are unreasonable things for someone to want, but when they come as ultimatums, they forgo discussion and ruin relationships. Once you give into one ultimatum, you can be sure there are others to follow.

Why We Give In To Ultimatums

One word: fear.We have a tendency to fold when presented with an ultimatum because we’re afraid of the consequences of staying strong.

• We’re afraid that we can’t live without the person making the ultimatum. I can’t pay my bills without this person’s help/rent/percentage.
• We’re afraid that we’re in the wrong. They’re probably right. I have been giving too little.
• We’re afraid we’ll be disliked. If I don’t agree, then I’m a bitch.

The truth: ultimatums hold you hostage. You might think you can’t live without someone, but the reality is that once you give in to a no-choice demand, you can’t live with them for any length of time.

Ultimatums are the grown-up version of a temper tantrum. They don’t belong in your practice.

How To Deal With Your Next Ultimatum

Does this mean that every ultimatum means you break up? Not necessarily. Often ultimatum-givers a) don’t realize quite what they’re saying; or b) don’t realize that you might actually stand up to a bully. Once they’ve been enlightened, they may change their position. Here’s how to bring the light.

1. Restate the Ultimatum in Simple Terms

Ultimatums often wear disguises. They come as veiled threats, where the subtext says, “or else” but the surface conversation is more passive.

Your first step is to drag the subtext into the light. Clarify by saying, “Just to be perfectly clear, my understanding is that you are leaving unless I do X.” Important: This is NOT a question. It’s you restating what you heard. Before they respond, you need to move to the next step.

2. State Your Position on Ultimatums

Follow that same phrase with, “If this is an ultimatum, then I accept your resignation/decision to leave/etc. If you’d like to discuss ways we can continue to work together, though, I’d be happy to do that.” Ideally, this sentence follows the previous with no break.

The goal here is simple: to clarify that an ultimatum means goodbye, plain and simple. You need to be clear that an ultimatum has no power in your relationship other than to end it.

3. Stand Firm

More often than not, the first two steps will result in some serious backpedaling on the part of the ultimatum-giver. If they don’t, then stand firm. If this really is an ultimatum, then accept their offer. Say goodbye. Thank them for the relationship to date, and move on.

Remember: The only way for the first two steps to work is if you are truly strong in your resolve to say goodbye to ultimatums. Don’t be afraid. No one is indispensable.

Ultimatums are black and white, one-sided demands that have no place in a healthy practice. Don’t be held hostage.